As I seat here, alone in my cubicle, in my office, I can’t help but think about my life.
I am really worried.
I want all my dreams to come true, to have a bright future, to be rich, to be happy, to have everything that I can have. But I am not sure about a single thing. I think, think and I think. I read on websites, I listen to people speak. But I don’t act. I know everything that I am suppose to do. I have everything, all the necessary resources to aid me, and I have my people to support me. But I don’t act. I just seat in one place, and wonder, if God really has any good plans for me? Is it in my destiny to have all those things that I want? I try to find some reason, why I couldn’t do it till now. And I can really find a lot of them. But now, I don’t have any of them anymore.
I don’t have any destruction, nothing to try cry about, no pains, no tears. I do everything to keep myself happy. And I even feel happy for that moment. I have comparatively easy life. But I don’t work to achieve my dreams. I just sit and wait for things to happen. Which are obviously never going to happen on their own.
All my people have lost faith in me. Well, there are some who think I am going well and I am at least trying a bit. But it is not really that way. I just make it appear like that. To be honest, I myself have lost faith in me. The only thing I am capable to do now is to push the weighing machine needle to reach a longer distance.
But I still lie to myself that I believe I can do it. Because I really want to do it. And there has to be at least one person to trust me. Life has become quite boring. Although I am not missing a single opportunity to make it adventurous. Nothing seems to give me that eternal, long lived happiness. It’s itching. And I have become so used to it. It don’t hurt. It is just leaving some scratches. Which might disappear with time, or with some medication of false appreciation.
I feel like being trapped in a cave. I see a light at distance. I try to reach it, I walk, or rather I drag myself in that direction. I don’t even reach half way and I feel I am tired, I am done. Then I convince myself that may be it is not light. It is just an illusion. Or maybe even after reaching there I might not get out of the cave. There might be just light. And I stop.
It all sounds so depressing. That too in the middle of Diwali, the biggest festival in our country. I am suppose to write a cheerful post about how I spent my Diwali, and here I am with a mournful post. I have really done quite a few things this time that i had never done before. But as I said they make me pleased with myself but the feeling wont stay with me for long. May be I should let it go. I should enjoy the moment. After all staying happy is more important. And just thinking is not going to get me out of the cave anyway. It’s better to light a lamp, at least where I am standing, and spread some light around.
Or may be just lamp is not okay. There has to be something more…
May God give all of us strength to work hard.Diana